so the few day i've been writing down my thoughts and feelings and i want you to read them and blogger was the only real place i could do this cause facebook is gay.
DAY ONE
It’s like someone reaching into your heart and ripping it out ahh! It just kills to even say those words “I’m letting go of you” but I know have to; I have to let go, I don’t want to, the tears pouring down my face like a water fountain so hard to breathe it almost felt like my hole body was shutting down, it’s not easy but nothings fucking easy. Guess I’m past the first step taking some time apart, first step is always the hardest. But who can I go? to while we take some time apart, who can I talk to when I’m feeling down? These are the questions that are running through my head, but then it came to me my urban life leader although I haven’t really known him for that long I feel I can talk to him with just about anything. Well I guess this is goodbye for now, I’ll be okay I just need some time hmm…I love you, don’t beat yourself up your not a stuff up, see you soon…Miss Butmunch Dostine.
DAY TWO
Cried my self to sleep last night could get it off my mind, pillow was soaked…lovely.
Woke up crying this morning, then after telling myself “you can do this you can move on” I had a shower and I was okay. Watched some skate videos and played rolling on my PS2. you text message today telling me you were at camberwell I wanted to go, I wanted to go there just to see you but need some time apart from you so I can let go, let go of you. I went a small community church in ST. Albans it was great for the first time in 4 months I felt the presence of God it was there but still I continue to not be sure. I love you we’ll always be best friends but right now I just need some time apart but if you really do need I’ll be I’ll be there for you. Take care Hanface
DAY THREE
I have lifeline on repeat as I’m writing this I went for a skate earlier no one at the skatepark just me, my rollerblades and iPod just had lunch no one home so I had to cook for myself like any dumb aussie I burn my fucking food. When you’re like me and not doing anything besides sitting at home playing Xbox, skating and watching pointless videos on youtube I guess you have time to think things through so here what I think, I don’t think it would have work out anyways because were closer than anyone would be if they were in a relationship, where’ve been friends for way to long to be in a relationship and I’d hate to lose you as my best friend…Hannah I accept that I can never be with you cause there was another side of me that didn’t feel right about it and I just ignored that until now I don’t want be in a relationship with you I just want to be you’re really close friend. I’m sorry if you felt that I was forcing you in anyway it’s just really did want to be with you.
I love you heaps.
DAY FOUR
I’m okay now hit was hard at first but yeah I’m okay now I’m over it, I accept the fact that we won’t be anything more than just close friends and I think that’s the way I want it. I’m just happy that you’re even in my life I don’t know if you know but you have been really amazing to me and there are so many reasons why you’ve helped me out a lot. I love you Hannah.
man..i dont know what to say.
ReplyDeletei feel your pain though, i guess tho with clare, iv been the way youv described too.
but im glad you understand and are getting closer to being ready to be friends. and im also glad to remain good friends.
i appreciate you being so honest too, really.
there's always gonna be pain and hurt with these things, so much. but we can get through. i wanna believe we all can. iv had such a tough time recently, feeling like im the biggest screw up. but last night my old ex had to come by and talk about some things. but one thing she said was, "yeah you stuffed up, but it doesnt mean you cant become better."
aw thanks for understanding and of course i'm gonna be honest i don't like hiding feeling away in a box. i don't think you're the biggest screw up cause you're no yeah just like your friend said "yeah you stuffed up, but it doesnt mean you cant become better" we all make mistakes it's just up to you weather you chose to learn from it.
ReplyDeleteanytime bud. i understand. yeahh.
ReplyDeleteyeah true that. and i think im ready to do what iv learnt, well im trying to. gotta long way to go til im able to cope better with who i am but if ill be okay if i want it to be. yup.